A Long Tennis Volley

[saxhound]

Does anyone else feel like they have been watching a long tennis volley here for the past few days? We need some humor to lighten things up. Pickings have been slim lately (at least G rated ones), but I did get this in the in box yesterday.

A Musician's Dictionary

AGENT: a character who resents performers getting 90% of his salary.

ARRANGER: a guy who writes to support a drinking habit.

BALLET: an art form for people with eating disorders

BANDSTAND: the area furthest away from an electrical outlet

BIG BAND: nowadays, an aggregation consisting of two musicians.

BROADWAY PIT JOB: a prison sentence disguised as a gig.

CABARET: a venue where singers do songs from shows that closed out of town.

CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME: god's way of telling you that you've practiced too much.

CATERER: a man whose hatred for musicians is unrivaled.

CHANTEUSE: a singer with an accent and no time.

CLASSICAL COMPOSER: a man ahead of his time and behind in the rent.

CLUBDATER: god's way of telling you that you didn't practice enough.

CLUB DATE LEADER: someone who changes his name from Kaminsky to Kaye.

CONTINENTAL VIOLINIST: a guy who rushes like he's trying to catch the last train to Budapest.

CONTRACTOR: a man whose funeral nobody goes to.

CRUISE SHIP WORK: a gig that gives a musician two reasons to throw up.

DJ: the guy your son would rather have play his Bar Mitzvah

D-MINOR: a rare army classification which states: in the event of war, all musicians are to only play klezmer.

DOUBLEBASS: the instrument the folks footing the bill feel is unnecessary.

DOWNBEAT: the magazine that would have you believe that all jazz musicians are working.

ELECTRIC PIANO: the instrument that enables its player to pay for the hernia he sustained lifting it.

HOTEL PIANIST: a guy who looks good in a tux.

JAZZ: the only true american art form beloved by europeans.

JAZZ FESTIVAL: an event attended by folks who think Coltrane is a car on the B&O railroad.

MELLOPHONE: an instrument best put to use when converted into a lamp.

METRONOME: the archenemy of chanteuses and cantors.

MOVIE COMPOSER: someone who can write like anyone except himself.

NEW AGE : a musical substitute for Valium.

NEW YEARS EVE: the night of the year when contractors are forced to hire musicians they despise.

ORCHESTRATOR: the musician who enhances a composer's music, only to be chastised for it
.
PERCUSSIONIST: a drummer who can't swing.

PERFECT PITCH: the ability to pinpoint any note and still play out of tune.

PIANIST: an archaic term for a keyboard player.

PRODIGY: a kid who has as much chance at a normal childhood as the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series.

RAGA: the official music of New York's Taxi and Limousine Commission.

RARE VIOLIN: a Stradivarius, not to be confused with a rare violinist, which is someone over four foot eleven.

SIDEMAN: the appellation that guarantees a musician will never be rich.

STAFF MUSICIAN: harder to locate than a cavity in the Osmond family.

STEADY ENGAGEMENT: look up in Webster's Dictionary under the word ''obsolete.''

24\7: the time signature of the national anthem of India.

UNION REP: a guy who thinks big bands are coming back.

VERSE: the part of a tune that's disposable, except to its composer.

VIOLA D'AMORE: a baroque string instrument and coincidentally the hooker Bach lost his virginity to.

WURLITZER: the Ford Pinto of pianos.

YANNI: a man blessed with great hair for music.

 

[retread]

Thanks for posting some appropriate humor, saxhound. I was getting a headache from all the physics being batted around here.

 

[Gandalfe]

Excellent thread, albeit mis-titled for future use. Here's some more:

A-B-A form: a musical convention long preferred by composers who can't "C. "

Adagio fromaggio: to play in a slow and cheesy manner.

A la regretto: tempo assigned to a performance by the conductor AFTER it is panned by the local music critics.

Al capone: performing while standing on a neutered rooster.

Al dente con tableau: in opera, chew the scenery.

Allegro con brillo: the fastest way to wash pots and pans.

AnDante: A musical composition that is Infernally slow.

Angus Dei: a divine, beefy tone.

Antiphonal: referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall

A patella: unaccompanied knee-slapping.

Appologgiatura: an ornament you regret after playing it.

Approximatura: a series of notes played by a performer and not intended by the composer, especially when disguised with an air of "I meant to do that. "

Approximento: a musical entrance that is somewhat close to the correct pitch.

Baffoon: baboon with bassoon.

Barbie dolce: sweet but plastic.

Bar line: what musicians form after a concert.

Bass lure: a seductive refrain.

Basso continuo: the act of game fishing after the legal season has ended.

Basso profundo: an opera about deep sea fishing.

Basso refundo: the sad but predictable consequence of the ill-fated "Three Basses" concert tour.

Brake drum: The instrument most used to slow the tempo in an orchestra.

Bull horn: a brass instrument that plays notes you wouldn't believe.

Cacophany: composition incorporating many people with chest colds.

Carmina banana: a medieval musical plantain.

Concerto grosso: a really BAD performance.

Contrababoon: the simian assistant of a Latin American revolutionary organ grinder.

Coral Symphony: (see: Beethoven -- Caribbean period).

Cornetti trombosis: disastrous entanglement of brass instruments that can occur when musicians are not careful exiting the stage.

Crashendo: the increasing sense of aggravation felt by band members as those trumpet players keep dropping their mutes on the hard stage floor.

D. C. al capone: you betta go back to the beginning, capiche?

Dill piccolo: a wind instrument that plays only sour notes.

Diminderwindo: fading of daylight at dusk, as seen from indoors.

Diminuendo: the process of quieting a rumor in the orchestra pit.

Eardrum: a teeny, tiny tympani.

Étude brute: an early form of Roman music performed with a rapid, sharp, repetitive beat.

Fermantra: a note that is held over and over and over and. . .

Fermatahorn: an Alpine wind instrument used for playing long notes.

Fermoota: a rest of indefinite length and dubious value.

Fiddler crabs: grumpy string players.

Flute flies: gnat-like bugs that bother musicians playing out-of-doors.

Fog horn: a brass instrument that plays when the conductor's intentions Are not clear.

Fortississippi: with mighty, flowing strength.

Frugalhorn: a sensible, inexpensive brass instrument.

Fruitti tutti: a chorus singing together in an exaggerated, overripe manner.

Gaul blatter: a French horn player.

Good conductor: A person who can give an electrifying performance.

Grace note: the I. O. U. you deposit in the church collection plate when you're out of cash.

Gregorian champ: monk who can hold a note the longest.

Ground brass: when someone in the marching band drops a sousaphone.

Ground hog: someone who takes control of the repeated bass line and won't let others play it.

Herbert von Carryon: a conductor who never rides in the cargo hold.

Hyperportamento: a tone that soars, bends, strains until it pierces into another dimension and leaves, ever after, a porthole to heaven.

Kvetchendo: gradually getting ANNOYINGLY louder.

Maestrousseau: at the pace of a wedding march.

Mallade: a romantic song that's pretty awful.

Matterhorn: an intrument of cosmic influence designed to create something out of nothing.

Molto bolto: head straight for the ending, but don't make it seemed rushed.

Mucho caffinato: play loudly enough to wake up those sleeping in the audience.

Oeuferture: musical composition commissioned by the National Egg Marketing Council.

OraToro: a lawn mower may be substituted for the original instrumentation at this point.

Opera buffa: musical stage production at a nudists' camp.

Pastorale: beverage to drink in the country when listening to Beethoven with a member of the clergy.

Phollyphonic: badly arranged harmonizations.

Pianorama: instrument capable of broad, sweeping musical performances.

Pipe smoker: an extremely virtuosic organist.

Pizzacato: the act of removing anchovies from an Italian dish with short, quick motions and tossing them to a nearby awaiting feline friend.

Placebo Domingo: faux tenor.

Pollyphonic: orchestra made up of lots of parrots.

Poochini: When singing, to be accompanied by your dog.

Pre-Classical Conservatism: school of thought which fostered the idea, "if it ain't baroque, don't fix it. "

Prelude: a cue, found in some of the earlier oratorios, instructing Those singing the roles of the wicked to pray in an offensive or profane manner.

Presto chango: quickly going from a very fast to a very slow tempo.

Pseudo-dolce: Nutrasweet.

(The) Rights of Strings: manifesto of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Bowed Instruments.

Rooti tooti: use of a potato as a trumpet mute.

Rubato: cross between rhubarb and a tomato.

Schmaltzando: a sudden burst of music from the Guy Lombardo band.

Snacktus: Quiet, contemplative music played during the appetizer at Catholic wedding receptions.

Sosaphone: a cylindrical wooden instrument used to play smash hits.

Spinet: politician's order.

Spritzicato: plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon(wine optional).

Status cymbal: an instrument to be played at inaugurations and socialite balls.

Tempe Arizona: a hot passage.

Tempo tantrum: what a young orchestra is having when it's not keeping time with the conductor.

Timpani alley: a row of kettledrums. Term originated in New York City area.

Tincanabulation: the annoying or irritating sounds made by an unmusical person using extremely cheap bells. From Poe's "The Bells" and "tin cans".

Toiletto: the effect on the human voice of reverberation in small rooms with ceramic tiles.

Trouble clef: any clef one can't read, e. g. , the alto clef for pianists.

Vesuvioso: a gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion.Woodwind: a noise in the game of golf, made by a club missing the ball on a tee shot.